Today was supposed to be my CT scan, labs and Doctor’s visit as a part of my regular post-treatment monitoring. The plan was to get labs and a visit knocked out every 3 months, and also include a scan every 6 months for the two years following chemo.
Because of the crazy times impacting all of us right now, my hospital reached out to me a few weeks ago (maybe? what is time anymore?) to push my appointment out 6 more weeks. From a quick chat with the nurse, things weren’t out of hand there, but they wanted to protect all of those involved in what I used to take for granted, and think of as a simple day of appointments.
Given I’m one and a half years out from finishing chemo, I was also offered the option to do a phone appointment on my original date if I really needed one, but it was up to me. I was the one in charge of raising any red flags to call out for what I needed. Knowing this was probably coming, I’d thought through how I’ve been feeling, the ups and downs of the COVID-19 news, and my own sanity/scanxiety. Eventually I went with pushing things back.
I’ve memorized the warning signs to look out for regarding recurrence, and knock on wood, I’m currently not experiencing those. I wasn’t about to waste my care team’s time for a phone call, which would do nothing to settle my mind when I just want clear, measurable data and a look inside of my chest and neck. It’s crazy how much you can simultaneously be excited for and dread a scan – probably exactly why there’s so much anxiety associated with the whole day… you get a double whammy!
If I were feeling like I might be sick, or not be able to mentally handle not speaking to or seeing them, then you better believe I would have fought my way into an appointment in person. I’m not a pushy person, but my instincts about something being wrong with my body have been something I’ll always fight for. The day I went to the ER for what I never thought would be cancer (and many more instances during treatment) has proved that you need to be your own biggest advocate. The advice cannot be stressed enough. If I hadn’t challenged the resident that checked me out in the Emergency Department, and if I hadn’t convinced that nurse, I would have been sent home that day with some over the counter allergy recommendations instead of being admitted for a little over a week.
So instead of celebrating new numbers or additional reassurances today, I’m going to just pat myself on the back for not letting today be surrounded by scanxiety. Apparently I’ve successfully pushed that back 6 weeks… And thinking about it more, I have the luxury of getting to celebrate my one-year anniversary since the PET scan that really lifted the weight off of my shoulders that lingered ever since my initial diagnosis. It’s kind of confusing, but my January 2019 PET scan post-chemo showed some activity still going on in the tumor area, and in April of last year I got a follow-up scan that proved that activity decreased. I haven’t ever been blessed with the words of “it’s all gone” or “we don’t see anything on your scan” but I’ve been fortunate enough to feel the way I do today. I’m stronger, I’m in a significantly better mental space from last year (crazy to think of given a global pandemic), I have a good living situation, and am symptom free (from lymphoma and COVID). Pretty proud of myself, my husband, my support circle, and my care team for getting me here. Feels weird to celebrate these days, but we’ve got to find the joys in each day. So yay!
