Yesterday was my birthday and the past handful of days have been filled with the happiest of wishes, fun surprises, and the best company (near and far). Thanks to everyone for hanging out, for the kind gifts, and for taking the time to send over your bday wishes! I love hearing from you, and knowing the support I have was especially touching this year.
A bit of what has been on my mind and to add some color to the smiley pictures and everything that I share… I have never been a big birthday person. I’m usually with good people at least eating good food and sharing some drinks and lots of laughs – and that’s all that matters. This year I have felt some dread or maybe sadness. Maybe both. Those were the two first words that came to mind last week when my fiancé asked how I felt about almost being another year older. I’m not feeling those two things exclusively – it comes in waves. I can usually talk and work myself out of it, and I’ve still had a GREAT time celebrating with my friends and family. This year was just different though – cancer, and any significant change I imagine, definitely changes your lens.
A birthday reminds me of what I’m accomplishing and how I have spent my time over the past year. I can’t help but feel dread and sadness along with it all. I think of how different things are and what I can’t do (at least for now), which reminds me of how I might feel ok, but there’s really something pretty horrible going on inside of me.
Part of me is dreading the next year. I put out a great attitude most of the time, and most of the time that is exactly how I feel because we’ll get this asshole cancer. But what if we don’t? This next year could be the worst if this treatment is a dead end. I know I’m not supposed to think like that, but if I don’t acknowledge it as a possibility then is that irresponsible too? What is the right balance? I’ll get at PET scan after Round 3, which starts on August 2nd. As much as I try to remind myself that I cannot directly control the results of it like I can control the tv or a cooking recipe of mine, I worry about it. What if it’s not what the doctors expect and what we’ve hoped for? THIS IS WHY PEOPLE HATE THE DOCTOR. There is so much room for them to just crush you.
I have to look at the bright side though. The symptoms like the MAJOR swelling that I went into the ER with initially are pretty much gone. My breathing is better and I’m sleeping well through the night. My night sweats are pretty much gone, but maybe that’s just because of the new air conditioning system I have with my nearly bald head! SOMETHING is working and I am grateful for that and grasp on to that for strength. I just hope we are on track.
These are the ups and downs of being fine, sliding down into the cyclone of worry and what-if’s, then pulling myself out with justifications and distractions that I go through daily (or sometimes minute by minute). These days since Round 1 have been pretty tear-free with the exception of these thoughts. Going to grab something to eat and going out around Chicago with friends feels just like “normal” and that’s the most helpful medicine (plus naps).
I don’t want to sound depressed or ungrateful for what I have. I’m not going to apologize for feeling upset though. I’ve tried to block those things out and ignore them, but it just makes things worse. Feel what you feel in the moment, but realize what is actually productive and find deep down happiness in small things and move on to the next minute of your life. Do that over and over and things feel better. No one sits in a puffy cloud of joy all of the time, but it’s how long we let ourselves wallow in the smothering times that tests our grit. My happiness takes work. If you practice working on it for a minute you’ll have enough for getting over that difficult conversation you just had. After that you build it up more and you’re good to get over that breakup (though that never is a quick one). And eventually over 30ish years of working that you might be able to just get over a cancer diagnosis. That’s what I tell myself at least!
There’s no motto or one speech that I pull from during these times. It’s finding the little joys where I can. It’s a good hug from my love, a good meme from a friend, a good sunset, a walk outside, or a happy kid wandering nearby. If something like that’s there, then there’s good out there. Those things remind me there is something more or just OTHER than the shit I’m dealing with. What I’m dealing with will pass, and even if it will be a while, what is the point of spending my time worrying and waiting? It will pass and next year will be one of the best yet. (Brené Brown also covers something along these lines in a much more eloquent manner in Daring Greatly)
Ok enough venting and sorry if that was all over the place. Making sense and putting a structure around my thoughts can be a bit challenging these days. Time for a nap (been way more tired this round) and another big THANK YOU to everyone for making this such a HAAPY BIRTHDAY and helping me every day through this treatment!
