Warning! If you’re not ok with poop talk then move right along and skip this post. You’re about to get to know a side of me MOST people never hear about, but like the books says… “Everyone poops”
A story about last Thursday:
Round 3 of chemo for my PMBCL treatment wrapped up last Monday. Inpatient time was pretty standard, but I was more tired this time around. At home I’ve been WAY more tired compared to other rounds. I slept most of the first couple of days (Tues and Wed) and I definitely used some of the nausea medication that I’ve been prescribed.
Thursday came around and I felt restless. I’d had big hopes of a lunch with a high school friend, but I cancelled those when I woke up feeling like I just needed to sleep. After regularly scheduled labs at the hospital and lots of napping, with J’s mom and brother staying with us for a couple nights, the plan was to get a Lyft to the beach where J was playing volleyball with coworkers and then grab dinner. The plan sounded like a relaxed and easygoing time to get some fresh air and to stretch my legs since I was feeling about where I was other rounds – just more tired.
Once we walked around North Avenue Beach a bit, the boys got started with volleyball and J’s mom and I went to the second story of Castaway’s and grabbed a table overlooking their court. After catching up a bit I felt a rush of heat to my face but figured it was probably because of some passing burst of cool air off the lake mixing with the 80 degree humid weather. I then felt my intestines turn or a cramp, but again, I’d felt it times before and it wasn’t a big to-do. Then, a rush of increasing dizziness came upon me and slowly took over my head. I remember telling J’s mom I was dizzy and then resting my head in my hands on the table. I thought I’d closed my eyes for a second, but I came to with J wrapped around me trying to get me to wake up along with 4 members from Chicago PD (maybe they were EMT’s or something but I only saw patrolling police cars around the beach and from the dizziness on is a bit of a blur).
I must have been out for at least a couple minutes for J’s mom to wave him up to where we were and for him to arrive. Apparently I’d been just slumped over, staring blankly ahead at the floor, drooling a bit, and had gone totally white. Coming to I felt that half-asleep, groggy feeling when you wake up extra thirsty and not quite sure where you are, but x1,000. Color started coming back to my cheeks. I was able to answer questions from the police without issue along with and those of a nice stranger, who is a doctor and wanted to make sure things were ok. The cops checked some vitals, and my blood pressure matched what I’m usually at in the hospital. Things were turning around pretty quickly and home was so close that I just wanted to get there. About 10 or 15 minutes later we walked out towards a Lyft and I needed to go to the bathroom but figured I could wait until home.
Note: The doctor stranger had suggested we go to the hospital because it may be a neutropenic fever, but I wasn’t burning up and I could feel that I was getting back to normal. This might not be the most appropriate in all circumstances, but as I mentioned, things were regulating themselves and our apartment is practically on the way to my hospital from the beach, so I figured we could always head to the ER later if we really needed to.
Of all times for a rideshare driver to overshoot the pickup spot, this was NOT the time, but of course that is what happened. Waiting for her to loop back around on Lake Shore Drive (LSD) and come and get us was the worst – all of a sudden I REALLY needed to go #2 and I also felt extremely weak – NOT a good combination.
My thoughts on loop: Can I make it back to Castaway’s? Should I just go behind a tree? There isn’t really a tree that isn’t in front of EVERYONE. Will those officers that just helped me wheel me back over to the bathrooms? They’re so far away! But then I’ll miss the ride and we’re so close to home. What happens if I go in the car!? I’m sure there are T’s & C’s for that… Will LSD and the whole beach see me poop my pants?!
I just knew I needed to be at home. I held on to my insides with what strength I had left and J ushered me around and sweetly tried to distract me and make sure I kept squeezing his hand. I never thought that small task of holding his hand would be so hard, but my energy was elsewhere… Once we were in the car of COURSE the driver has a horrible driver and couldn’t seem to stay in her lane. Oh, but she was quick to honk the horn at anyone and everyone else and take her eyes off the road to stare them down. I felt so numb and sick and tried to answer J’s questions as he kept me alert, but the driver was doing a pretty good job herself.
After the longest 12 or so minutes of my life we arrived at our apartment building and there’s fortunately a nice bathroom downstairs that we made it to. I then had quite the normal bowel movement (BM) even though it was probably the most relief I’ve ever felt. There was nothing complicated to it, which is why I thought this BM was just normal business and separate from the fainting. WRONG. The BM is pretty much exactly what made me faint according to what my nurse practitioner said the next day.
Once things were more settled late on Thursday I had sent her every and any detail of the evening via our online portal. I have no shame with my doctors at this point. Chemo affects everything so they’ve heard about it all. I expected to hear back from her Friday saying XYZ in my blood test results indicated ABC because of my treatment. Her reply the next day though was that my lab results were healthy-chemo-patient-normal and that the BM was likely a trigger of a vasovagal syncope. Everything she described was spot on and that link I included sums up everything I went through and felt to a T. I was pretty furious with my body for throwing a tantrum over something so normal. It was something so typical so why was this one so different? Oh ya… chemo. A big, bright flashing light reminding me of what I’m doing and a big Fuck You from by body given what is happening to it. I’d thought about it, but this really hit home: body gets to and will just freak out and I can’t do much about it.
The rest of Thursday night J made sure I was warm and fed. An apple and peanut butter never tasted so good! I also didn’t ever have a temperature, but kept checking frequently since I immediately need to get to the hospital in that case (since my body might not be strong enough to fend for itself – this is one of the primary risks doctors say to monitor for). I’m happy to report that there has been no fainting since, and there have been lots of regular BM’s, in case you were wondering.
Should I be embarrassed? Maybe… I mean it’s a story about my poop and me really needing to take a dump here (so eloquent with my words, I know). Talking to people though, fainting problems and ones from poop triggers are way more frequent than I even knew. It just would have been good to know this was in the realm of possibility ahead of time though, doctor. I have to step back and realize that I had zero control over this and just have to continue to manage the risks. I would have probably fainted regardless of where I was, but in both situations I would have loved ones around me to help. Is it how I prefer to spend my time with my future in-laws? No, but they’re stuck with me 😉 and are supportive of everything we’re going through.
Why share this story then? For a good laugh now that it’s all over with and I’m fine! But really, I’m totally humbled by my body and what this treatment is doing to it. Everyone’s side effects are different but this is an example of how ‘normal’ things just aren’t the same anymore during cancer treatment. When you ask me how I’m doing via text I can’t exactly sum things up quite like I can detail here. So here’s your answer: I’m feeling tired and crazy shit like this is happening (pun definitely intended).
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