Let’s try something new – let’s not start our conversations with “how are you feeling?”
When you step back to think about it, most conversations with someone you see every so often don’t begin with “how are you feeling?”, right? For me it is more of a question I ask a coworker coming back from a sick day, or a close friend after I’ve read current emotions, heard what they’ve been doing recently, and been able to gauge their interest in broaching a potentially more sensitive topic.
At this juncture, as I switch from being treatment-obsessed to working on decompressing / recovering, I think the start of our conversations can evolve too. I know… It probably sounds weird. Maybe oversensitive? I very much understand and appreciate that the question comes from a caring and concerned place. When someone is sick, or recovering from chemo, though, it can immediately bring up negative thoughts and detract from the time we have together. I’ve tried writing this post several times and am immediately in tears every time because it brings up so much from within me that I am working on every day; yes chemo is over but there’s still a long way for me to go to get healthy and to find my new “normal.”
It has been just over 2 weeks since I got out of the hospital and completed my (hopefully!) final chemo treatment. Sure, I might cry at any question in all honesty, but this is one that has stuck our recently as I get it a lot as the only question in a couple-sentence-long “conversation”, and from people that aren’t as in the weeds in my goings on as others. By sharing all of this hopefully you can get a peek and an understanding of where I am these days.
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“How are you feeling?” sends a flood of thoughts through my head like:
Good, but shitty – how much of each?
Not today.
Fucking amazing!
Should I not be ok?
You aren’t ready for this
Do I start with my body or my emotions?
I don’t want to get into it
Don’t cry
Cry and get it out. Don’t hold back anything
But I didn’t bring tissue
I’m good, but am I really?
You don’t get it
Do you have an hour?
How do I even put these feelings into words?
Often I go through all of those thoughts in a matter of seconds just because of hearing a few words. I think my sensitivity to the question is because of the decompression I mentioned before as I’m processing what the hell just happened and releasing all of that pent up energy. Through treatment I squashed a lot of emotions to instead give myself a pep talk and say “buckle up! it’s time to do this!” when there wasn’t time or energy to be spent on being terrified and worried. Don’t get me wrong, I felt these dark emotions plenty, but to be productive and not let it consume me, I frequently forced an about face to switch gears and dig in and put up a fight.
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The waterworks started with getting the PICC line un-threaded from my arm in a matter of seconds. It was an immediate release of stress and tears. That thing was a constant discomfort and a constant worry (about contamination or that it wouldn’t work for the next infusion or blood draw). The tears have continued from there… taking my first shower without medical devices or PICC-related stress… knowing this is something that has altered every year of my life from now on… sleeping on my right side… worrying about my future PETs… worrying about having to do something like that all over again… being so grateful for my nurses, doctors, pharmacists & techs… worrying about future babies… worrying that I’m worrying… writing blog posts or journals… or from out of nowhere at all. (Also, watching A Star is Born also didn’t help)
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My softness is also because a lot of my focus is on my emotions now. There’s a lot floating around in my head now, especially because there is more space for it since a lot of my physical side effects (besides fatigue, neuropathy, menopause, hair loss, and chemo brain) have pretty much subsided. Listing those out, there’s still a good amount to deal with, and they’re still pretty frustrating, but they’re nothing like being constantly lightheaded, mentally preparing for and doing 5 days in a hospital, or not having an immune system and worrying about every bit of food and cough or sniffle within 3 yards.
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I cry pretty much on the daily, but sometimes it’s because of happiness, and some days and moments are worse than others. That is why I’m sharing what I’m going through and where this request is coming from. I’m asking this of you, friends, to help me along the way. Will I get mad or upset if it does get asked? Of course not! But I wanted to get this out there to help push things along for me and because it is not an uncommon request from cancer patients. I’ve read lots of “what to say or not to say to cancer patients” online posts and this is actually a frequent don’t for people that are not or have not gone through treatment, or that are not very close to the day-to-day. Alternatives are questions like “What have you been up to?”, “Did you see that horrible SC game?”, “Any plans coming up?”, or a foolproof “Try any new recipes lately?”
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I’m not saying to never ask about how I’m feeling, to not ask about my cancer experience so far, or to let me 100% avoid talking about how I’m feeling (discussing it is very healthy and I really am happy to share it all most of the time), but it is a question that I feel belongs better in a deeper, more prolonged chat when you can also read me and my readiness to broach the topic. Those discussions and my tears with you or on my own help me to feel a bit better every day so I know it’s all a part of my process and very necessary.
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I was scared to write this in fear of seeming ungrateful, but as I’ve said, this is first and foremost for me, and explaining things in writing helps me to identify exactly what I’m feeling. Plus, overall this at its roots is to share how I hope to ease back into more and more social activities and get out to hopefully see you, while at the same time not be faced with my sickness at every greeting. I’ll already be emotional enough seeing so many beautiful faces after far too long!
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xo and THANK YOU for all of the comfort and support you’ve shared with me!
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PS – Chemo friends, disregard all that you just read and feel free to jump to the chase and ask the question. You have always known exactly where I’m coming from, and I get that your energy and time available to reach out to me might be brief so you’ve got a pass 🙂 So much of my healing and my sanity is thanks to you all! Also, same goes for my fam – you’ve heard about enough BM’s and other updates and complaints that you get it <3